Another poem of my style, "Photographs". PLeAse read and comment.?

2 boys, fishing by the lake,


net billowing, a picture I was glad to take.


My baby on the swing, hair behind,


a way for her to fly, freedom on her mind.


My mom in the hospital, pale skin, blue eyes,


More tired day by day, but god knows she tries.


Standing by the gravestone, a straight line of black,


Stone in the foreground, family in the back.


A sun setting over the mountains, the sky so blue,


but its me behind the camera, so the halo's around you.


An eagle soaring, peace in mid-flight,


a flag ripples in silence, blue, red, and white.
Another poem of my style, "Photographs". PLeAse read and comment.?
I like it, a little Hallmark in places, but definitely redeems itself with 'the halos round you'.





Very inspired :-)
Another poem of my style, "Photographs". PLeAse read and comment.?
This is pretty good.


I like the imagery, and the double meaning of the "halo" being both a photographic term and a religious term.


I might change the "blue" eyes to "light" eyes, because you use the word "blue" three times in the poem...and the "god knows she tries" is a little bit of cliche.
Reply:a very good poem! the parts that really stood out to me are "a way for her to fly, freedom on her mind." and "Stone in the foreground, family in the back." I am not sure what it is about these sentences, but as a poet maybe you know. i think whatever it is, keep doing it!





u are a great poet, keep writing good luck. =)
Reply:This is nice. Very earthy. Not as good as the previous, but still strong. You did good on both assignments. I give you a B overall Good job.
Reply:Yet again AMAZING!!!!! Very talented. its great how you can be given something %26amp;%26amp; then write about it so wonderfully. Keep it up. %26lt;3
Reply:You're a good writer.





Comment:





I think you need to strengthen your word choices in the mom in the hospital sequence (pale skin, blue eyes, more tired...). You can do better than this. It needs something more here. Yes you are playing up colors because of the photograph idea but I think you can add more intensity to the poem. Look at where you write a color in the poem, and ask yourself if that is the strongest image you can execute, or is it simply ordinary.





I hope some of this helps.





Thanks. Take Care.